Internal analysis

Transitions aren’t just for lenses…

By February 4, 2010October 12th, 2010One Comment

This is such a bizarre and interesting time.

I’m not one to let the readers of this blog, or the readers that are ported over from facebook, into my deeper personal affairs…because frankly, it is silly and unnecessary. However, I suppose it is appropriate for certain things…?…non?

For a little over the last 5 years I was dating a wonderful girl named Lesa. Her links are on the side bar…and you should click on them rapidly to see awesome pictures, stories, and be inspired. We’ve since evolved away from each other. Living together in that circumstance, among many other mental and physical issues that I deal with on a day to day basis have made life a little tricky lately. Lesa told me tonight that she is going to move out in a bit as it will make our friendship easier and her head hurt a little less. I totally understood…so we are trying to figure out where we are both going to live. She wants to stick around “here”…and I think I might either move a little closer in to downtown, or I might take up temporary shelter in a shared home situation or something to save a little green. Either way.

With that said, things just got a little more real. I am entrenching myself in work and creating a social wall. I was thinking about peoples walls on the way home. Some of my friends have walls made of cider block and steel while others have walls that are kind of like Tribbles. The tribble type wash you over with adorable character traits. They distract you with that so you’ll never be able to touch their reality; because…well…that is what those walls are built for. After analyzing this further. I realized that my wall consists mostly of a steep muddy grass hill that is so slippery it is almost not worth the effort so you’ll just walk around the side and avoid me altogether. I like the people that walk on my grassy hill; the people that have good boots, aren’t afraid to get muddy and can appreciate the view from the top once they’ve gotten there. That sounds a little contrived, but again, this is my blog…and I’ll say what I want.

“And all the effort that it took to get here in the first place, and all the effort not to let the effort show”…EBTG/Downhill Racer/Temperamental…great track. Look it up.

Part of me wants to disappear. I don’t know where I could go that my internal predator couldn’t find me. I need to unplug…too much screen glare, polygons, code, and pixels. I want to go camp. Get eaten by a bear…that’d be nuts. Poorly play my crappy guitar on a beach out the back of my van in the spring…too cliche. I could just shut up and get off my ass…but that wouldn’t be as self gratifying as complaining.

My thumb is no longer mutilated. This is a very significant thing. I remember exactly where I was and how old I was when I started doing this habit. I was 4 years old in the front seat of my mom’s car in Dearborn, Michigan driving to a fast food joint. I saw a little dry skin on my thumb and ripped it clean off. Ever since, that emotional connection to such a seemingly insignificant moment was one of few positive moments I’ve had with that lady. Comfort comes from the weirdest places. I think past that, this is the first time in my life that I concurrently have been single, out of school, with a job, and not much connection with anybody in a long long time. Perhaps since I was 4.

Life is silly.



One Comment

  • Janna says:

    Hi Gabe,

    I’m sorry to hear about Lesa. But you never know what can happen tomorrow…maybe you’ll meet your soul mate at the grocery store! When one door closes, others open, so it’s just a transition. I like what you wrote about people’s walls. It’s fun to think about. I hate people’s walls. I hate my own walls most of all. My husband has way less wall then anyone I know, probably because he didn’t grow up in the US. But what I’ve learned from him is that even tho you (or I) end up embarrassing yourself 99.999999999% of the time when you talk to people you still end up on top. Because, I guess that’s just how it is. You get the last word, you get what you want, you break the ice. you get all the attention. You you you. It’s all about you. Life IS silly!

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